Something is missing....

I feel completely worn out today. Don't know why, can't figure out what. I am tired. No motivation. Feel like I have to push myself hard to do anything. Can't sleep. Signs of depression? Don't know. Missing my family? Hate my job? Need a major change in my life in every way? Don't know. I also have a premonition that something bad is going to happen, and I am scared of the unknown. Feel like everything right that is happening right now is not right. I have a great job, good money comes with it, have my own place, have someone that I love dearly to share my life with, but I feel that all that is too good to be true. I feel that something bad is going to happen to screw everything up so that my entire life would make completely different turn to start a new journey...........

I feel like lately I am consumed with work again. It is in my head 24/7. I hate doing things half way but lately that is exactly what I have been doing. I want to be the best, and I have been quite competitive but I have lost the drive lately. Although I think I am good at work, considering the responds I got from my colleagues, but I still think I am not good enough because I have failed to carry out the goals that I have set up myself to achieve.

Emmmm....such a relief to be able to release the tension in my head by writing them here. I already feel a bit better now. I should do this more often. I don't care if people read this blog or not. I do this for me....

It was a very busy night at work last night. The department is too small for big population it has to provide. It is crazy, considering Ireland is a first world country but the hospital's condition is like a hospital in 3rd world countries. I was shocked when I first got there. Too much politic in Irish health system but too litlle being done.

Last night I saw a guy whose anal muscle was weak that he couldn't shit properly for 2 weeks. Sent to the surgical team and the SHO was complaining about the referral. What am I supposed to do? The patient had problem shitting!

Then there was another patient, young enough, complaining of chest discomfort consistently for 2 weeks. all investigations revealed nothing and she was informed about the results. Not surprisingly, because I got this type of patients every so often, she was not happy. It sounded like she wanted something bad to happen to her.

Then, I saw a middle aged woman with a lung disease who came in with shortness of breath. She was nasty and snappy. She was like 'who the hell are you asking me all these questions, just fix the problem'. I was boiling up inside but keeping it calm on the surface. Smiling and be nice. It appeared she still smoked and didn't take her medications as regular as it should be. She wanted me to fix the problem that she created........but hey, I am just a doctor.....I only can give advices...

Before I left and that was nearly midnight, I saw a patient, a foreign national, who took overdose of benzodiazepine after finding out her foetus didn't have a heart beat on the same day she found she was pregnant..basically she had a miscarriage. That was sad......

On getting ready to leave the hospital, I bumped into my consultant, and he reminded me to be here by 8am tomorrow to attend the tutorial. No word on how are you, how are things. Fun and exciting work huh? I dont think so. Ok, I should be there tomorrow because I have missed the tutorials a lot due to the shift hrs. I got home at 1am , went to bed by 2am, set the alarm at 630am to go to the tutorial but I had difficulties to sleep. The alarm went off and I was so exhausted. I couldn't even lift a muscle. As a result I missed the tutorial again.......That what pissed me off....