Thursday, October 2, 2008

The Confession

Enough is enough! I can't do this anymore! It is disgusting. It is self destructive. It is not worth it. Now, it is time for me to call it a's about time...

Well, some may wonder what all the ranting above is about. I will tell you now. Finally, I have the guts to spill the bean. For 12 years, it has been with me. For that 12 bloody years I have been battling it, to stop or to continue, always lost the battle when I thought I was winning it. Now I am ready again to strike back, with my will power as my armour.

I suppose I have an addictive personality. I must admit that I have many addictions, some I like, some I don't, but the addiction I despise most is my smoking habit. To b honest, I started smoking about 12 years ago. I remember vividly the first time I smoked a ciggarette. At that time I was working part time in a fast food restaurant during my student years. I did a night shift and everyone was smoking. During my break, with my rebellious instinct, I bought a pack of malboro and started smoking. I just wanted to try how it felt like. It was one of the biggest mistakes in my life. Well, to make the story short, I enjoyed it and was hooked since.

Funny enough, when I was in high school, I hated smoking. I hated the smell, i hate people smoking it. I was an anti-smoker. I thought innocently that it was one of the roots of evil. My dad was super anti-smoking when we were kids. He used to say to us "If any of you are caught smoking, I will lash your back with rattan until it bleeds". Ironically, all the boys in the family ended up as smokers, me included, and no lashing occurred.

For the past few years, particularly after my graduation, I have tried to stop smoking. I havent enjoyed it as much. As a doctor, I am also a health educator, so I have been burdened with a huge sense of guilt everytime i smoke. I dont do what I preach, that's the shame.

I have tried different methods to quit the habit. I have tried nicotine-containing chewing gums which had disgusting taste. I have tried nicotine-containing inhalers but they did nothing to me. I have tried nicotine-patch but I developed skin rash from it, which lingered for many weeks. Few times I went cold turkey but somehow I managed to find an excuse to started smoking again. The longest I was off cigarette for the past 12 years was 4 weeks.

Why now? What is the difference now? I don't know. I suppose I have to try again. I believe, with the support from my friends, including from FB, I can do it. I am ready to fight it again. I know it wont be easy. Like any war, sometimes you win the battle, sometimes you lose but I hope I will triumph.

Last but not least, I want to offer my apology to those who are disappointed with the level of the revelation as it is not as scandalous or spectacular as one may expect. A confession is a confession, right, no matter how small it is. Thank you anyway to those who were waiting for my confession (wink! wink! mrmanager, wink!wink Al-Razes). I am also sorry for failing to confess sooner. I should have said 'the next post' rather than 'tomorrow'. Keep smiling and please give me the support I much need. Selamat Hari Raya. Maaf Zahir dan Batin


Al-Razes said...

tu jer???... hehehhee.. InsyaAllah perkuatkan azam tentu berjaya

Mr. Manager said...

I know exactly how you feel.

Ezam said...

Salam Hairi,

Didn't know that u're a smoker.

Try to stay away from smokers for sometime & u'll leave the habit 4 good.

A friend of mine quit smoking b'coz his wife to be set a condition - the fag or the wife.

All d best.

jo ayee said...

my dear, be strong..insyaAllah,and gambar raya tu, iu have to click kat link, dublin or cork or athlone. i simpan kat picasa web album :)