privileged......

I know, i shouldn't be counting the days when my night shift gonna end. I don't wanna sound like I dont enjoy my job. I do, absolutely I do! But sometimes it can be too much when you have no more energy left to carry on. I am not there yet but i was at the brink of emotional collapse. Somehow, i managed to pull myself together to get through it. Hahahaha, I am talking like I am facing a life or death situation. Well, it was not that bad last night at work.

It was another crazy night. Total madness! I saw about 16 patients with various complaints in a space of 12 hrs. I felt like 'why am i doing this, why am i torturing myself'. I am sure there are so many jobs out there with more money and less hassle. Perhaps i love this job. You have to love a job like mine in order to keep going. Otherwise you will be suicidal.

Yes, I enjoy what I am doing. Despite the shortcomings, the stress, the horrible hours, the unpredictable cases, the ungrateful patients, the inappreciative employer, I know I can make a difference in somebody's life for the better, and that is fulfilling enough for me.

Sometimes I learn more about myself from the patients. For example, few days ago I saw a father in his mid 50's, dislocated and broke his shoulder, asking me so many questions, some stupid ones after learning his predicament. Normally, I can be easily annoyed with this kind of patient, as if they dont trust me. But with him, I was extremely patient after knowing his situation. Apparently, he was about to start his new job the next day as a truck driver which he had worked so hard to get the position. He had been umemployed for a while. He was looking forward to starting a new life and his daughter's wedding was in 6 weeks time. The wedding in Ireland is very expensive, the cheapest would be about 10000 euro around RM50000. Now he wouldn't be able to work for at least 6 weeks. Although he tried to hide his disappointment, from his eyes I can see the mixed sad emotions - anger, frustration, self blame. Looking at him makes me appreciate the life that I have. I have a good job, never have to worry about the bills, can afford good food, enjoy my exotic holidays and have somebody to share my life with.

I also met an elderly patient who came regularly to AE with different simple problems each time. He usually came in after 12 midnight. Basically there was nothing physically wrong with him but I soon found out why he was there. Recently his elderly sister, who was looking after him, had been sent to a nursing home for a long term care, so no one cook for him at night. So he came to AE for some food whenever he felt hungry in the middle of night (he had social service sent him food during the day). He is also a lonely old man....he is in his 80's.

Another patient, a lady in her 60's, also out of loneliness comes to my AE every single night, never fails, usually after 8. She has a nice house provided by the social service but she is scared to live on her own at night. She has refused to go to a nursing home. She comes in and sits at the corner of our waiting area with her blanket. Later she will sleep on the chair. Around 8 am the next morning, off she goes and the pattern repeats itself. Patients like this really put my life into perspective.